What am I supposed to do?
Sam... is sucking blood.
Dean... knows Sam is sucking blood.
Dean'n'Bobby locked Sam in the Demony Panic Room of Demony-ness.
And I am reading Kroka_refs' picspams like mad in order to not go completely insane.
Boys... can't you go back to secretly huggin' and cuddlin' like we know you do off screen?
Crazy fan girl, FTW?
I have a confession to make. Several, actually.
I want to drop out of college. I'm done. I don't want to be here anymore. And I don't want to go to grad school, and I don't want to get a PhD. I just want to stop expecting so much from myself. I want others to stop expecting so much from me.
I'm really not that smart. So don't be fooled. I'm just a fantastic actress.
And I'm not sure exactly when it was that I became ashamed of being a woman. Probably somewhere around Fall 2005, I think.
I'm not going to rehash what happened tonight. Let's just say that he is an asshole that doesn't care that he makes me cry and blames me for everything that has gone in our friendship.
So I'm walking away. I'm aware that I've done this before. But I'm going to try my damnedest to make it stick this time because no one gets to treat my like absolute shit, blame me for getting hurt and then still remain a friend. I've always gotten caught up again because I haven't been able to give up the fact that I love him. So starting today, I'm just going to start at the presupposition that I don't love him and see where that gets me.
Someone can't hurt you any more if you don't care about them in the first place.
I'm also, I have to admit, tempted to stop turning to my friends for support because I'm scared that they'll turn out like he did. So it's going to be an effort, but I'm going to attempt to not stop loving for all that that means just because he is emotionally stunted.
I no longer care how he feels. About anything. No one gets to hurt me like that and still be a part of my life.
It's time for me to be a grownup now and not a little girl begging for love.
So apparently I'm able to be in love with one guy and let another run his hands all over me for hours.
I could have sworn up and down that I didn't have any real feelings for Peter until tonight. I had attraction, don't get me wrong. We danced a flirtatious dance all summer... this afternoon I got up the courage to finally kiss him. Tonight I spent two hours in his arms in the campus chapel. We kissed, we cuddled, we talked, we laughed... oh boy did we kiss. Oh boy, was it wonderful. Oh boy, was it pretty wrong to get our mack on under a stained glass window of Jesus.
He's leaving in two and a half hours to move back to Spokane. Tonight was our "why didn't we do this sooner? At least we'll have had something" night. But Ryan was right when he warned me against letting something physical happen in an impossible relationship.
Before tonight, Peter would not have left with a piece of my heart. Now he will.
He said sweeter words to me than I've ever heard before. And he meant them.
That means everything to me.
He told me I was beautiful... and for once, I believed him. Because he made me feel like I was beautiful. He made me feel like I was worth something. He made me feel like I was loved.
Our goodbye was so heartbreakingly bittersweet.
Already I miss him.
I'm still giddy and giggling, but I'm also ready for a cry.
I'm in love.
I'm not ready to do this again.
Not enough tickets left for this particular merry-go-round.
But I can't stop it, and I can't stop these crazy thoughts in my head.
Because I love him. Because it always comes back to him. Because it can never really be anybody else.
My stomach and my heart won't stop swirling.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
"In six months you'll look back on this and laugh," the intern at work said to me this morning. I was sitting with a giant box of individually wrapped toilet paper next to me, painstakingly tying a trash can liner to each one.
"Oh yes," I replied. "This is all quite amusing. By far the highlight of my summer." I turned away from her and pulled a trash bag out from under the pile and stared balefully at it as it tumbled on top of me.
The intern snorted.
"The highlight," I sighed.
My brother is getting a divorce. He has been married for exactly one year and one month.
She is a heinous bitch whom I've never, EVER liked. She's decided that she's "too young" to be married, that she "got suckered into the marriage" (despite the fact that the engagement was over a year long) and that she "never loved him to begin with".
Words cannot express how much I hate that woman. Fool. My mom surmises that she's been cheating on my brother. If that turns out to be true I will have my ass on the next plane to Hawaii and she and I are gonna be having words.
And by words, I mean punches.
And by punches, I mean I'm gonna knock that bitch out.
No one messes with my family.
It's a good think Jesus loves me even when I'm pissed.
So my date canceled on me. He wanted to spend tonight with another female friend of his, instead. So I've decided to wash my hands of him - I wasn't really sure that I was interested in him to begin with. I was letting him take me out to give him a shot... Stupid boy....
I'm not upset, really. Just a bit bummed. I'd feel better if Gaffney would release the coffee grounds I bought that he is currently holding hostage in his fridge.
But damn... I'm really sick of all this "getting rejected by a guy who isn't worth much to begin with" thing. If even the lesser desirables don't want me...
To quote Avenue Q....
"I think I'm pretty, and I'm pretty damn smart.
It sucks to be me."
So I have a date on Thursday... it's with a guy I was really not a little bit interested in until a couple of weeks ago.
I'm not even sure if I'm interested in him now. He's kinda... not as manly as I like 'em. But we'll see. I'm willing to give him a shot.
I'm wearing my sexy shirt that night.
One post a month, so I guess I'm due...
I got my first coffee pot ever today! I got it used from the Mariner's Church Resource Center (fancy name for a thrift store). For free, because Gaffney's dad runs the place and thinks I'd be a good match for his son. ::rolls eyes:: Also got a free meal at a Chinese buffet restaurant out of the deal, too, so who am I to complain if he has the wrong idea about me and The Boy?
The point is that I got my first coffee pot, and that that is damn exciting. I also bought and ground my first bag of coffee (a suicidal blend of hazelnut creme, vanilla nut, swiss chocolate nut and vanilla creme. Is tasty.
He also gave me one of those Starbucks espresso machines, it just "needs to be calibrated and tweaked a little". We'll see what that means, but until then it's sitting in the cab of my truck.
I feel so adult-like.
Work tonight. Hopefully not with the girl who treats me like I slapped her sister. That would ruin my perfectly good "Look at me! I got new stuff!" day.